Phyllis Newman

TO RELEASE THE MAGIC OPEN THIS FLAP

You know the old saw “some people see the glass as half full….others see it as half empty”? Here’s my dilemma….I see no glass.
What does that mean? Am I a nut job or just a lazy beauty?
Here I am happily writing to you in paperless cyberspace in my bed from whence all good and bad things come. I’m looking at the anemic, thin copies of my beloved newspapers and magazines scattered all over the covers. Oh how I used to love those overstuffed periodicals full of varied manipulations of paper that would produce smells, scents, odors, sometimes even creams.

STROKE THIS CENTERFOLD LIGHTLY AGAINST YOUR WRIST

Many years ago at the height of this olfactory madness, Adolph and I were chatting over our ritual breakfast of All-Bran and instant decaf. I said:
“Do you notice anything unusual?”
“Yes, you’re talking to me.”
“No…seriously sweet pea, I’ll give you a hint. Sniff.”

SNAP OPEN AND STROKE INNER FOLD ON PULSE POINTS

I thrust his nose into the magazine spread across my lap.
“You’ve spilled perfume on your tatty night dress.”
“You’re getting warm…so let’s pretend we’re in the doctor’s office…it’s stuffy, you’re nervous and I want to distract you. The only magazine there, is an old copy of FIELD AND STREAM.

PEEL BACK THE PICTURE OF A TROUT AND RUB FORCEFULLY ACROSS YOUR WADING BOOT

“Baby…look at this. Most magazines give these free whiffs just by doing odd things with pieces of paper.”
“But surely, my little heliotrope, it would be cheaper and less of a fire hazard, just to buy some bottles of perfume.”
“It’s that kind of thinking Adolph, that has kept you from being with it, for it, and at it. It’s why FORBES won’t even let you subscribe. Hand me that new issue of DER SPIEGEL.”

DO AS I SAY. YOU WILL SNAP. YOU WILL STROKE. YOU WILL SNIFF. YOU WILL BE GLAD.

“You’re always right my passion flower. Are there any aimed strictly at males that I might inhale?”
“Here, try this copy of MANHATTAN MACHO.”

PUNCH THROUGH THIS PERFORATION, GRIND IT ON SOME SISSY’S FACE AND RELEASE THE STENCH

“Well, what do you think now?”
“My clever calla lily. I smell better and my hostility has abated considerably. But it has given me more of an appetite.”
“What do you feel like my gentian violet?”
“How’s about some nice chicken soup?”
“Hold it a sec, while I leaf through my new batch of mags….ah, there it is. The premier copy of FOWL TODAY. I’ll have it ready in a jiff.”

TEAR OUT SIMULATED PICTURE OF CHICKEN, SHRED IT BY HAND AND DROP IT INTO BOILING WATER

But that was then – what about now?
Hold the phone! I mean literally – I’ve got it! by George I’ve got it!

TO RELEASE THE MAGIC… PRESS APP AND SPRITZ